Friday q and a #52.

A blessed week, in mysterious ways. Racing around beach-houses with the most beautiful six year old in the world*, entertaining passing fancies of lanky tumbleweeds, watching with mounting horror the two-man vaudeville show that is my parents. Time passed, the winds of change stirred, and all of us inevitably prepared ourselves for Friday questions:


* this child has the patience of a saint. Not only did she allow me to re-name two of her Barbies 'Prunellope Hetherington Westing Smytheson the Third' and 'Ian', she also sat quietly through an entire pantomime pirate routine which could be surpassed in campness only by Kenneth Williams having a hissy fit. God help her when she gets older; the kid will have major issues.

BEVIS said...
"I think it's your cunning blog name that is protecting your true identity, Bevis. Brilliantly done, if I do say so myself."


Would you suggest I change it to "I'm Not BEVIS"?


PS - Are Matty B and Krankiboy meant to be "bathed naked in milk and virgin-juice and covered in kisses (within reason)" together - and on their own / to each other? And would it be the first time?

1. Don't be silly, young man. That idea has been taken. GET WITH THE TIMES.

2. I would presume Matty B and Krankiboy did as they wished with their birthday milk and 'juice'. To my knowledge they never partook in that kind of activity together, but then again they did have a couple of wild nights on the liquor so who knows what went on in the depraved depths of Brunswick away from watchful eyes.

The Last Scientician said...
A personal affront? A reference to your program? Surely if I wanted to say anything about either your long-running, and frequently digestible, radio show, or your new found intellectual "grand prix" televisual excursions, I would have made direct reference to them.

Indeed, if I wanted to affront you personally, I should jolly well pop around unannounced and have it out face to face like true gentlefolk should. But, nay, it is neither of these that prompted my question.

It was in fact a query regarding the mainstream sexualisation of the female form. I know, it's been around before, and for a long time, and all the rest of that. But I am still not quite sure whether women dressing in revealing skimpy outfits and shaking their bits for the titillation of the slavering audience (and I do not exclude females from this description) is particularly progressive or empowering.

I am not one to tell people what they should or shouldn't do with their time, or indeed their bodies, but there is a big long string of political theory behind empowerment through sexual expression, and a barely vote-eligible teen dressing like a Hollywood hooker, dancing like a gangsta ho, and pashing random girl chums to impress the boy of her dreams doesn't seem to be all that literate in said feminist/equality hypotheses.

That was more the thrust of my question. As I can't reconcile the apparent permissiveness of the New Raunch Culture (TM) with the stranglehold of neo-conservativism, I can only assume they are part of the same broad social trend, and that perhaps a more sinister movement exists below the pole-dance-your-way-to-fitness surface of the naughties.

Problem being, it seems anyone who brings up the topic is accused of prudishness, which is a great way to silence criticism.

Less of a question and more of a lengthy stroll down the intellectual minefield that was your query of Friday q and a #51, TLS. I am starting these late today, so our irritating brain pow-wow will have to be fought out at the Tote tonight over a few noisy Jagermeisters. And stop being so fucking brainy; no-one likes a smart-arse.

Woodsman said...
This might have been asked before, apologies etc... But can I ask which is your favourite computer font? Im addicted to Arial Narrow and i think i might be alone and slightly weird. (oh and ps do u pronounce it "aerial or aaarghrial"?)

Further, my work is so boring that the only thing that excites me about a new working year is giving myself a new Outlook "signature".

Could you please advise as to a snappy font/size/color combo which is very 2007, using the following template:

Ms Fits
Chief Writer/Stylist
Reasons You Will Hate Me

PS. Id like it to somehow convey that even though i work as a solicitor, I hate the very thought that somehow i became a boring solicitor - perhaps without getting me fired/a written warning.

1. I am a bit boring when it comes to fonts, Woodsman - almost everything I write is in Times 12 Normal, and I'm yet to even sit still for long enough to muster up some kind of 'Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned etc' thing with dashes and curlicues as a pensive sign-off to my idiotic missives. I don't know if that's a horrible admission or I have somehow raised myself to the annals of computer dork punk by not playing by the rules.


2. This from my darling computery-type friend Michael Horse -

"i pronounce it between arryal and arryel
sorta like the little mermaid

ps: tahoma kicks arial"


He'd know, too. He's very clever.


3. Nothing too fancy, though I do like the idea of being a RYWHM 'stylist'. How do you feel about a Baskerville Semibold? Cheeky, but with a hint of elegance. Like Chopper serving crudites in a spinning bow tie.

groverjones said...
If I may, NOT Comic Sans MS. It's used by way too many people who are trying to convey the thought that they are more interesting than they are, hence rendering it boring. (Who am I to talk - I'm posting about fonts!) Anyways, I like Century Gothic, 12 pt.

Oh god. We've officially got a RYWHM Font Club. This is a very bad sign, people. Next thing you know there'll be sticky label name tags and an end-of-year Talent Night where Jeanette from the canteen makes everyone feel uncomfortable by stripping down to her scanties and miming Santa Baby before attempting the splits and ending up with severe carpet burn. RETREAT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

Anonymous said...
Woodsman IMHO Arial (pron. aerial, by me) is a bit bland. Whats wrong with Times New Roman 12 pt - perhaps using colours?. Having said that I am a public servant, so am far more boring than you could ever be.

*sighs deeply*

Anonymous said...
Hey I used to play in Beanflipper!

I do very much enjoy it when blog world and real world collide, Anon.



Which one is you? Crouchydown dread-dwarf? Mr Crazy Moustache? My money's on the cheeky scamp at the back with eyes to the heavens and hands up to no good, but that's just a guess when it comes to the sorts of rag-tag troublemakers who read this here blog.

Porno Lover said...
StripSaver Fan Blog - My blog about sexy desktop software aka StripSaver. This original sexy screen saver shows on your screen a total collection of the best sexy girls in animation

Thank-you, faceless robot. It's nice to be kept up to date re: 'sexy screen savers'. Are they SFW would you imagine?



Goodness, it's been a while since q and a had comment spam isn't it? HOW DID YOU SLIP THROUGH MY OTHERWISE IMPENETRABLE NET, PORNO LOVER?

Anonymous said...
Fuck reason, just kisses.

That's just about the best Friday question ever, and it's not even a question.


Where are you, Anon? Why are you not standing on my doorstep spinning me around and letting me lick your neck?

MelbourneGirl said...
there is no such thing as flighty in a good way. sorry, but there it is.

x

Are you saying my friend Luscy was insulting me, MG? I didn't take it as a jibe; we were having a perfectly pleasant evening together.


I don't mind being flighty anyways, as long as those who love me are patient enough to withstand my madness. Surely I'd be a dull proposition otherwise.

jp said...
Ha. Re literary speed-dating and your choice in taking along "A Confederacy of Dunces": Does that mean that if Bolt (who, it must be noted, has a face like a bulldog chewing wasps) had of shown up with that book too, you two would have been soulmates for the evening? Being with him would be like having your threeway: you, him, and his ugly fucking aura of evil.
For the record, I would take along David Niven’s "The Moon's a Balloon." And no, I’m not going to give it a go. I did speed dating once (set up for the MTV show “FullTank”, so it doesn’t really count) at Ginger Bar in FITZROY. And, while in there, a couple girls went by and pressed their NAKED BOOBIES against the front window. Just had to share that. It always comes back to boobs…

Hello, young man...from memory we'll be hearing a little more from you and your friends later in the post, but it's always nice to make first 'contact', as it were. Like Jodie Foster with the throbbing alien noise in that rather strange film. Anyway.


You know, I hadn't considered what might've happened if A. Bolt had appeared at literary speed dating clutching a copy of my favourite book. Obviously I would have been fairly intrigued, although whether that intrigue would have blanketed over the first time he opened his mouth and chortled WHAT ON EARTH IS UP WITH THOSE SAND-NIGGERS I ASK YOU is another matter altogether. I concede that there may be complete fuckbags who share my musical or literary tastes, but you can't have everything I guess. Hitler didn't mind splashing the oils around, you know. Make of that what you will.

sublime-ation said...
Happy New Years, to you adorable Ms, and may I say congrats and admiration to you having the fortitude to spend it alone. Good for the soul, I did it one year and lasted until 4 am before acquiesing to join the throng.
I regretted it, I had a much better time by myself than I did seeing 30 people crawling round on the floor at 8 am.
And I think you can be flighty in a good way. It pretty much describes Geminis.
Better than being flaky in a good way, as I have been called before.

Yeah, it was an incredibly beautiful way to spend an evening. Fireworks struck up again in Northcote on January 2nd, and once more on the 4th. Completely bizarre. Some wildly inventive local hedonist was clearly setting their own rules when it came to New Year's celebrations. 'I shall not be restricted by your tedious 'January first' conventions, heathens! Bow to my fireworks as they set a backdrop to your 2007 kisses!' etc. I was certainly crawling around on the floor two days later, but at least it was on my terms and not 'society's'. Man.


I'm not sure whether I'd prefer to be flighty or flaky in a good way. I pretty much don't mind being called anything, as long as there's some kind of positive post-script. Even 'Dog-ugly...in a good way' would serve to butter me up.

Anyway, MG has something to say about it:

MelbourneGirl said...
darling sub. hello. how can you be flighty in a good way. can you explain, maybe i've got it wrong.

it's happened before.

no, really!

YOU HAVE INVOKED THE WRATH OF MELBOURNEGIRL, SUB. PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM.

Anonymous said...
Why would someone want to pay $50,000 for a Paris Hilton sex doll when you can get a blow up one for $20 that has more personality?

Speaking of sex dolls, this is the most advanced one I could find and is more a prostibot or digital companion really:

Of course after reading this question I had to google 'Paris Hilton Sex Doll', but all I could find was this, which is essentially a normal sex doll with a picture of a girl who looks nothing like Paris Hilton and the words 'She's a high class piece of ass!!!' written on the box. Who the hell is paying $50,000 for shagging a piece of plastic with a permanently startled expression, anyways? I REQUIRE FURTHER INFORMATION.



Your 'prostibot' (nice), on the other hand...


'Fritz Lang dreamed about it... ... we made it

You feel alone?
With ANDY and her sisters, you are never alone !

You want a tender partner ?
Our sweet and beauty lolita is the most tender !

You want a smile and a kiss ?
She gives you a charming smile and a gentle kiss !

You have an unusual fantasy?
She is a patient lover !

Full of feeling, sensitive and a little bit emotional.
Our pretty girls !'

Mm. Not quite contenders for first place in a beat poetry competition, but sweet nonetheless.


p.s. Please explain to me who the hell wants to fork out cash for an animatronic sex doll described as 'a little bit emotional'? Isn't the whole point of the exercise to be sticking your wang into a silently naked Gumby?

hqoisowr said...
Have you seen this response to dick in a box Ms. Fits?

Box in a box.

It's a one line joke but the lady staring in it does have very fine norks.

She does have nice boobies, doesn't she? As highlighted by the many EXTREME CLOSE-UPS zooming in on her lacy chest. I would have watched the whole thing on repeat like some kind of pornographic Ask Jolene loop, but her singing voice gave me the absolute irrits. Still, can't have everything I suppose.

jp said...
My birthday's May 21st if you're buying.
"My bush has never lied"... "My taco is certified"...
That Michelle Leslie really is funny.
Wonder what Statler would say?

1. So does that make you a Taurean or a Gemini, jp? Either way we can probably double up on a party and pretend to have more friends and loved ones than we really do.


2. Have I missed something, or has Michelle Leslie released some kind of comedy rap album with the rhyming couplet 'My bush has never lied/my taco is certified'? Are they two separate questions? Is 'That Michelle Leslie is really funny' even a question? Are you high, young man?


3. You need only whistle...

AH said...
Wait, I'm Statler? The ass chin? Waldorf is so much cooler, that crazy Albert Einstein hair.

And yes, that Michelle Leslie is funny, especially when she made that joke about being a Muslim. Hilarious. 'Look at me, I'm wearing a Burkha, later losers.'

That said, the girl in this clip is very pretty and it will vaguely link to some sort of question for you, Fitto:

Is there, in your opinion, a high percentage of attractive women who are funny (being yourself someone who fits into both of these categories) or are most pretty ladies too focussed on being pleasing to the eye to have a laugh at themselves?

And I realise the question is case sensitive, as individual senses of humour (?) relate differently to different folk, but considering, I guess, women in comedic entertainment roles. You don't see too many Angelina Jolie types having a laugh at themselves. Do you feel self-depreciation, in order to have a laugh, makes a person more attractive?

You cover a lot in your mission statement AH, but I'm going to allow it as you allude to me being both funny and attractive so you may do anything you like ever on this blog no holds barred please call kthxbye.


It's a tough question to answer generally, as not only do individual senses of humour relate differently to different folk, but so do aesthetic qualities. Some folk find Sandra Bernhard hot but offensively unfunny, others ROFL at Rita Rudner but wouldn't take her out for cherry pie and soda if you held a gun to their head which seems a cruel way to matchmake if you ask me but that's neither here nor there for the moment.


For my money, self-deprecation is utterly the key. That and a filthy mouth. That's why my perfect funnylady hotness right now is the genius Sarah Silverman. Anyone ballsy enough to try out the line 'When God gives you AIDS, make LemonAIDS' wins major brownie points (thanks to Ukulele for opening mein eyes). Anyways, who knows what Angelina Jolie is like in the privacy of her own home? For all we know the woman could be a regular Dorothy Parker. No doubt all that famine and pestilence she surrounds herself with is ripe for the best kind of 'gallows humour'.

Nio Morton said...
I could be in a too-many-coffees bad mood but man I just have lash out a bit here.

Last Scientician: Oh for Gods sake, cut the feminist, tangle-yourself-up-in-political-theory, rubbish. Some of the most self-possessed, confident women I ever met were strippers and call girls. They knew exactly who they were in the world and weren't the least bit fucked up about it or their bodies. Feminist psycho-babble is a wank. People are people (sorry Depeche Mode) whether they are stripped naked swinging on a slippery pole or sack clothed in a pulpit. (I'm a bit dash-happy today too it seems).
As for reconciliation of conservatism and sex, look to the great dollar and the pleasure principal. It's case of selling faith on one hand (for the ultimate after death pleasure and the current cash return), or sex (for the here-and-now pleasure and the current cash return). Each to their own heaven I guess.
Once the mighty Jo/Joe public gets bored we'll move on. I think we should sexualise plants next.


Woodsman: Be careful with the sign-off, you could end up coming across like a bank clerk with a cartoon tie and socks.

AH: Is there, in your opinion, a high percentage of attractive men who are funny, or are most handsome men too focussed on being pleasant to the eye?

One question: I'm thinking, John Howard looks like the Lorax and thinks like the Onceler. What kind of parents produced the bastard child that has the worst characteristics of these two Dr Seuss characters.

Oh dear, Nio. You really are a grumpy gus aren't you? Never mind, recipients of sledging. I'm sure he doesn't mean it.


Anyway, to answer your question:


+ =

Mex said...
dearest ms fits,

i braved your southern city and thoroughly enjoyed myself. my time was somewhat enhanced by a small boutique hotel, much alcohol, meeting many new and entertaining friends, a yarra river cruise(!), the discovery of some rather exciting/cool/kitsch/trendy bars and eating enough pasta to kill a horse.

my time in your fair town was diminished because that stupid restaurant tram is booked out for MONTHS(!) so i didnt get to go, and i also didnt get to go to schnitz and tits which i was most disappointed about.

my question is this: how hard would it be for a gal like me to make new friends if i actually moved to melbourne?

Oh, I shouldn't think it would be too hard. I've never actually shifted cities for the sole purpose of chasing tail (you sly fox, you), but Melbourne is a frankly hospitable place with many kind-hearted folk in tight jeans who would no doubt welcome you with open arms and an abundance of friendly squeezes. At the very least you've started making your love of all things tram and breast-related an open secret on this here blog so when you get here we can arrange a coming out party (an un-gay one, obvs) and all have a nice glass of Tanqueray Ten.

Mara said...
Knowing your enjoyment of all things edible & list-able, and getting the distinct feeling that we live close by, I thought I may pique your interest with a brief list of my personal favourite food finds of Melbourne’s inner north…

1) Best chickpea dish…I would do a number of unspeakable things for the recipe to the Moroccan Soup Bar's creamy/crispy chickpea salad.

2) Best location for group food…it is difficult to surpass the squisshyness of the corner lounges, the yummyness of the home-style Japanese food and the quirky yet romantic candle-lit dunny of the Upstairs Lounge at Peko Peko on Smith St.

3) Best meal in a bag…Fitzroy North’s Green Grocer does great in all things organic, but always floors me with the delectability and surprising economy of its take home ‘slow food’ dinners…mmmm

4) Best place to imagine you are in another time & place…while devouring a spanakopita at Melissa’s on Smith St I always imagine myself in 1950’s midtown New York…or is that just me?

5) Best takeaway thai dish ever….Prawn Pad Tom Yum from SukhoThai, just don’t order the (always over-cooked) rice, make your own at home.

My questions are…have you experienced any of the delights of the above? And, may I ask for your own local culinary quirks?

I very much enjoyed this question as I have frequented all of those places bar one (SukhoThai? On High street, or am I way off?), and privately entertained thoughts of us entering and exiting five minutes apart like Gwyneth Paltrow and that guy in Sliding Doors, destined to dine together but never quite being at one with the universe THERE IS A MOVIE IN HERE SOMEWHERE I KNOW THERE IS.


At the moment , I am eight kinds of crazy about Otsumami on High street - they serve possibly the best nasu dengaku I have ever eaten, and may I say in the most delicate fashion possible that I have eaten a fuckload of miso-fried eggplant in my time. I Carusi Brunswick is still top of the line for SEX PIZZA, and if you're yet to try the take-away ragu from Cafe Bedda you're mentally disturbed.


See you next time we almost meet, my friend.



*waves arms mysteriously*


*disappears behind oversized menu*

MelbourneGirl said...
my question is this, fits: considering the amazing coincidence (i think not) of statler and waldorf being referenced on this blog oft at the moment, AND a reference slipped in to one of the dialogues on neighbours right at the end of last year, to a law firm i think it was called statler and waldorf, am i right in suspecting suspiciously that some of the brethren here are in fact neighbours writers?

i am starting to triangulate something fishy here, and i wonder if the little green frog, a muppetophile, is somehow a part of it?

you don't have to answer if you don't want.



what am i saying.

please do.

Hm.

1. I know of at least one Neighbours writer who reads and comments on this blog, yes. ARE YOU SAYING S/HE IS STEALING MY MATERIAL PLEASE.


2.BEVIS is not - as far as I am aware - part of the Neighbours 'bretheren'. And I should know, I have my ear to some major Ramsay street shit.

elmo said...
don waist my toime.

how's the blogroll coming?

Bono, something? still hate Bono? i will wear you down. possibly to a nub, but hopefully not.

xx

p.s. i KNOW bob ellis is slightly rotund - no more bacon!

hello, dear girl.

a) I won't.


b) The next time I change my blogroll - which will no doubt be some time in the next three thousand years - I promise you will be on there.


c) I don't hate Bono. We just don't see eye to eye as he is always wearing his mysterious Mrs Doubtfire blublocker sunglasses.


d) MY DOG IS NOT A FATTY BOOMSTICKS.

W said...
Hiya Ms. Fits. Long time lurker, first time questioner, love your work, later, rinse, repeat.

I wanted to ask what your thoughts on the "reasons" for blogs are. I started mine as a way to keep up with friends, and have gone through a rather rapid realisation that I am not terribly funny, and my blog is mostly personal stuff.

Reading through my blogroll of funny, witty, smart people, I often wonder how I can bring my game up. Any suggestions on how to write a better blog? (In general terms of course).

Thanks and Happy 2007.

I'm really not sure why people start blogs exactly. I guess I was inspired by seeing funny lady writers out there in webland and realised I had an outlet to be a smart-alec on a daily basis and NO-ONE WOULD DARE EDIT ME. As a writer it has been a great boot in the arse to have to get up every day and find something irritatingly trivial to make a disproportionately big deal out of for a seethingly critical faceless audience. Even when work has been low on the ground I've kept churning this vacuous bullshit out, and may I say it has kept the writer's block 'wolves' from the creative 'door'.


In terms of bringing one's game up - hm. It's obviously hit or miss when it comes to postage gold, but if you're feeling a little uncomfortable about the personal stuff then just start poring over the People's Paper on a daily AM basis and the amusingness will start flowing from your fingertips. Also just ape others that you find funny and hope that people read your blog before discovering theirs and write them off as a complete rip-off merchant and you as an unheralded genius.


Good luck.

The Last Scientician said...
My apologies Mr. Morton. I was not referring to professionals in the sex/erotic entertainment industry, who presumably have a much better idea of who they are than many women.

Just more wondering what happened to the porn/exploitation backlash mania of the 1970s, and what this new sex oriented culture has, if anything, to do with it. I find it interesting no matter what, that the whole raunch culture is wholly and solely marketed and directed at women. You don't see dudes signing up for "Manpower classes", the success of The Full Monty aside. Or buying Peter North's non-seller "How to make cum faces like a porn star".

I'm not suggesting it's all bad, just that there doesn't seem to be any open discussion about the merits and disadvantages of women defining themselves by their coochies.

Stop it, now. I mean it. It is getting late in the day and I rather fancy a large gin and tonic. If you keep irritating me with your ponderous academia I will torment you tonight with a series of stealthy nipple cripples that will make your toes curl.

The Slapper Princess said...
I understand, AH, that a plane and a flying car are not one and the same, all I was attempting to do was save your blessed cheek and throat muscles from the pain and exertion that 8 well-sucked tally-whackers would result in. Just offering up suggestions re compromise and 'making do' notions. I'm a caring yet practical young poppet. I am also hot with a smokin' body and extremely fuckin' funny.

JP, thanks for the thumbs up in regards to my 'serious can action', I fail to see what my possession of fabulous knockers has to do with my own appreciation of same in others, but I guess it was more of a guileful ploy on your part to write the word 'boobs' as often as possible, almost as if writing the word multitudinously will somehow hasten the appearance of said knockers. Or any pair of knockers for that matter. I hope you've given the Superman y-fronts I gave you a whirl by now.

And now for the most important addressee, My Dearest Ms Fits, to find me for next years New Years celebrations, all you need do is click your heels three times and say "There's no babe like The Slapper Princess". I appear in naught but splendid shoes and a smile. Or you can email slapperprincess@gmail.com at 11:59pm 31 December, 2007 or before.

And to finally end this lengthy passage, my question is along the lines of this: girlie nails and waxing course (learn a trade with which to improve oneself), six months in Scotland working (excuse to boink as many Scotsmen as possible, working in menial job) or wait around for a couple of months to see if something more exciting 'pops up' (possibly putting off growing up even more than Scot-boinking idea)?

...and we're back. Do you three actually have conversations with each other in real life, or is the friendship being played out entirely in my comments? How odd.


With regard to your question, I'd probably go with the sex and travel option and make your way to the land of gutterally adorable accents for some caber tossing and air. At least it's something a little different, you're out of your comfort zone, you can pretend you're Kelly McDonald from Trainspotting and thus nature balances itself.


Go on, lots of people I know would love the chance to fuck off overseas and shag Scottish fellows. Give 'em one for us.

AH said...
Nio - you're right, there are not a lot of attractive men who are humourous. I do, however, believe there is more pressure on attractive women to be pretty over witty, therefore making the percentage smaller.

Slapper Princess - thank you for your concern. I took your comment as an affront to my ability to decipher the question and I do apologise.

See, now I'm really not required here at all am I? Talk amongst yourselves.

jp said...
Wow, where to start.
AH: dude, you know I have Einstein hair. And where are these atractive girls of which you speak?
Slapper: yet to wear the superman jocks. It doesn't seem right to wear them under my shorts or jeans, so I'm waiting for the right occasion to wear them on the outside.
MG: hmmm...
HOOPER
(pulls out a dollar
and hands it to Banky)
Here. I want you to go down to the
corner store and buy yourself a clue.
Go on.

Honestly. You know you can just call each other up on the phone and talk like normal people, don't you? Not that your urbane meanderings aren't welcome here, far from it. But really. I have no idea what you're going on about now.

Nio Morton said...
Hi all (Scientician 'specially)
I was such a cranky bum yesterday. Apologies all round.
Crawls back into hole (I hope it's the right one this time).
Lot's of laugh to Ms Fits and fans for constantly making my day.

There you are. Doesn't that feel better? A week can be such a long time in emotional tumult land, it really can.

Anonymous said...
who is the smartest person you have met?

Germaine Greer.


Julian Burnside and Jon Faine come a close equal second, too.

Tim Chuma said...
Why is the Herald Sun so up itself? They act like the "peoples paper" but they are very elitist (the photo desk editor did put me on the spot as it is difficult to say which of the 300+ bands I should say I have photos of.)

In comparision I sent an email to a staff member at the Age and they rang me up with details of who I should get in touch with in regards to contributions.

I'm not entirely certain I'm qualified to answer this in an unbiased manner as I'm on the Fairfax payroll, but oh well who ever heard of things being fair and unbiased around here in these LEFTY HALLS OF HYPOCRISY. I haven't had much experience with the Herald Sun, but from memory they are particularly 'grass roots' and would loathe the commoners thinking they were swanning around with tickets on themselves. I'd write to the 50/50 column if I were you; it always sorts the wheat from the chaff.

nicedream said...
Hi Ms Fits,

my question: if for some reason readership of this blog dwindled to a half-hearted trickle, would you continue to write? why or why not?

and i would like to take this opportunity to duly apologise for the extremely saucy yet inappropriate dream i had about you, me and the giant bath last night...

1. Oh, of course I would. I started writing to an audience of five as a way to amuse myself and impress cute boys and keep my fingers limber. Those reasons remain, even if for some reason I post something so horrifically offensive the entire bulk of my readership drops off in one go (I am fascinated to know what that might be, by the way).


2. Never apologise for a saucy dream, nicedream. But may I ask why it's 'the' giant bath and not 'a' giant bath? Is there a particularly famous giant bath I am as yet unaware of? What happened in the dream? Is it PG-rated and safe to be read by youthful eyes?

Topcat said...
Dear Ms Fits

My you have been very busy lately, I just can’t keep up. Is there some automated way of knowing when you have made a new posting ?.
So with my serious hat on I shall make an attempt to catch up;

1. I should apologize if my last posting caused any offence, it was indeed a bit tacky !. I seem to have gotten carried away in the heat of the moment … I thought of posting an apology shortly afterwards but then I thought I have seen much worse on your blog, so sorry if I offended.

2. I too was totally devastated after the last federal election. I could not believe that the Australian people could be so stupid as to vote for Little Johnny and the Jackboots for a fourth term !!!. But fear is a very powerful emotion and people who are afraid will do very stupid things …
I wonder what “we” will be afraid of next time ?. Will it perhaps be global warming ?. From the party who has had it’s head stuck in the sand for a decade whilst global warming has been occurring at an apparently unnatural and ever increasing pace since the start of the industrial revolution !.
Does it take more than nine years of drought for these morons to realize that being wealthy isn’t going to protect them from the effects of global warming ?.

Sorry rant over, I don’t think I have recovered from the last election yet !.

3. Uh Oh, Threesomes, here are just three reasons why this is an incredibly bad idea,
1. If he has to ask, then this is likely to be an awkward and embarrassing event and probably shouldn’t happen.
2. If it’s embarrassing now, it will only get worse over time. Just imagine (in the future) explaining what you where doing to your partner … Never mind your daughter and granddaughters …
3. Most men have enough trouble keeping just one woman satisfied, it’s virtually impossible, anatomically speaking, for a man to keep two woman satisfied at the same time !!!.

4. Last Thursday I was delighted to read you refer to projectile vomiting and commercial TV in your article in the GG. I think this is only appropriate given the swill that commercial TV constantly serves up !!.
Do you still have a contract with the Age ?. I look forward to reading what you have written tomorrow …

I am delighted to hear you had a good NYE after all,
Topcat

PS Is “Dear Ms Fits” overly presumptuous of me on only my second posting on your blog ?.

PPS The formatting seems to have gone a little astray in my posting, but I'm sure you can fix that ...

Dear me. And so late in the game and all.


1. You can add me on Bloglines if you wish to be notified every time I make a spelling mistake and log on to correct it.


2. I am very difficult to offend, Topcat. Don't you worry about a thing.


3. I'm not sure if global warming will be 'the' election issue for K-Rudd to beat. No doubt when it comes down to the wire something explosive and foreign will occur and every dumb fucker will race to climb under the comforting doona of John and co. At present environmental concerns are only a talking point when crazy shit happens like snow on Christmas Day or Alex Lloyd releasing a listenable record, ZING.


4. Thank you, I will pass that advice on to my perverted friend.


5. Until they tell me to stop writing for them, I'll keep delivering a column every Tuesday. I'm glad you enjoy the sophisticated elements.


6. No, you may call me anything you desire (HAVE PEOPLE FORGOTTEN THAT I WOULD LIKE TO BE CALLED DOLLFACE PLEASE)

Anonymooseandsquirrel said...
So after putting up with Dallas Crane again at Meredith and just now watching them on the telly at (oh fuck, hang on, that Letterman cunt is on) that Vodafone church thingaling, my Friday question is this:

Why has nobody realised how shit Dallas Crane are? I mean sure, they've come up with the odd guitar riff and all, but seriously, they're all out of tune, and that one guy keeps screaming in a half arsed falsetto that would even make Brian Johnson cringe, not to mention him mounting a foldback wedge whenever the actual solo playing guitarist plays a solo and makes out like maybe it's him busting out a shitty solo instead of the actual solo playing guitarist, and has referred to themselves somewhat immodestly as 'The Mighty Crane', and they're as boring as a brickbatshithouse, so I'm just wondering why nobody ever mentions it?

Are they related to important people then? You know, the church/melbourne mafia? Like Dan Kelly?

'Cos I'm just wondering is all.

Now, this question is utterly impossible for me to answer as two of my best friends in the whole world play in Dallas Crane and I have a very long history with them including appearing in one of their videos and dancing onstage during a show at the Broadford Biker's Festival in my underwear. I'm sorry you're not a fan, and you're of course entitled to your opinion. I hear differing takes on the Crane; some folk enjoy them immensely and others think they are complete arse. All I know is that when I see them play I am looking at the achievements of two perfect, beautiful friends and I am incredibly proud of them.


I take it I won't be seeing you at the show next Friday then, hmm?

Old Fart said...
Courtesy of Chris Masters’ Jonestown, I have acquired a splendid new word - psittacine.
My problem is that while I can pretentiously drop it into correspondence, I am in dire risk of making a complete tit of myself if I attempt to introduce it into conversation. Is the p silent? Is the s silent? Is the c hard or soft or, perhaps pronounced ch? Does the word rhyme with sign, or with scene? Does the first syllable rhyme with shit or with shite?
Ms Fits, my ability to contribute meaningfully to discourse in 2007 awaits your advice.

'Psittacine' - 'of or pertaining to parrots' - is pronounced sit-uh-sahyn, or so my extensive research tells me.


I hope I'm around when you drop it into conversation; I get quite swoony for people with nice vocabularies.

Ryan said...
Hey dear Fitsy, I think I did go too far in the debauchary stakes, but that was the lead up to NYE, which frankly left me rather ambivalent towards the whole event.

No sobbing endlessly over lost girls - upwards an onwards to the date (which I must mention went quite wonderfully).

Now, will you be reading Radio City: the first 30 years of 3RRR?Did you realise that JJJ apparently rates half in Melbourne what it does in other capital cities?

Will there ever be an opportunity for us to listen to webcasts of the show, as when you are on, it's 11am here, and I can't stream at work, so miss the opportunity to listen to your undoubtedly dulcet tones?

Can I just add that I've only briefly skimmed the other comments this week as have been rather busy, but I do like the decidely boob-esque slant the discussions are taking. Up the boobs!

1. I will be reading Radio City, yes. I feel it is my duty as a broadcaster who has been with the station for ELEVEN FUCKING YEARS.


2. I didn't know that, no. How are you so 'down' with all these radio stats, young man?


3. I am looking into podcasting Best of the Brat, but unless it's simple as hell I don't want to commit as I am rather overstretched as it is what with all the writing and making a general nuisance of myself. Why not just skip work of a Monday and listen at home? Seems the sensible thing to do, really.


4. Yes, you can.

I'm not Craig said...
Were you in Beanflipper? Fresh Outa Plums? The Doug Anthony All Stars? Madison Avenue? Creedence Clearwater Recycled?

I see we’ve returned to the Twenty20 form of this game.

No. And not Leonardo’s Bride.


It has recently occurred to me that I now spend more time answering Friday Questions than asking them. Is this weird?

No, it isn't.


Were you Vegans in Leather? Bad Boys Batucada? Pre-Shrunk? Frost?

Rosie Fantail said...
Hello Ms Fits,

My question is, can we please have some respite from JP's and AH's comedy routine? It was funny at first but I think it's just bad manners to continue it for so long on someone else's blog. I hope they'd rather be thought of as decent guys than insufferable showoffs.

Also, I just wanted to add that my friends and I like to refer to JP as J "AWESOME!" P, where the AWESOME! is said in an Ashton Kutcher Punk'd kind of way.

Oh dear. I don't think they're insufferable showoffs at all. But we have had 'words', haven't we?


Do you actually know J "AWESOME" P in real life, or have you just made up a totally sweet nickname for him sight unseen? Either way works for me.

catbrain said...
Dear Ms Fits and other readers,

What do you think of http://www.gnod.net/ as a way to find out about authors, music and movies? Friends of mine don't seem to offer recommendations much anymore and, to be quite frank, I wouldn't trust a couple of them anyway.

To be honest, I was initially worried about the opening spiel:

'Gnod is my experiment in the field of artificial intelligence. Its a self-adapting system, living on this server and 'talking' to everyone who comes along. Gnods intention is to learn about the outer world and to learn 'understanding' its visitors. This enables gnod to share all its wisdom with you in an intuitive and efficient way. You might call it a search-engine to find things you don't know about.'

as it sounds a bit 'I was taken away on a spaceship and all I got was this lousy anal probe'-type stuff but on further reflection I don't see why not. I can't say I'd use it much as my friends seem to do nothing but shove novels and records down my throat (not literally, that would be crass) and as they are such highbrow artistes I am left wanting for nothing.


****************



And that's today. I am off to be devilish in the Cobra Bar and make a mockery of rational behaviour. You may leave your questions for next week in the comments below, and if all goes to plan we will meet again, preferably through my bedroom window.





302 days til the next election.