Ill-informed rantings and half-baked theories from someone who should know better.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Sleeping beauties.
I really do appreciate the lazy, half-asleep, drifting-to-dream conversations you can have with a lover after making beautiful music* together. Murmured devotions, silken promises, sticky curlicues of intertwined limbs. Half-light and sodden with slumber. It's breathy and desperately perfect, unless of course you find yourself leaning in for a naked embrace only to hear them whisper thank you for the lamington and may they bring Adrian along next time. I'm consistently guilty of deranged sleep-talk, though I'm yet to accidentally call my partner by the wrong name as I'm stretching out to grab the bosshog share of the duvet.
Anyhow. My friend Kevin and I had this conversation yesterday which I'm kind of intrigued by.
Kevin: Have you ever been sharing a wild crazy sex experience and either said the wrong name or had a partner say the wrong name?
Me: Um, I don't think so. I've probably said some weird shit when I've been shickered and drowsy. Why, have you spoken out of school?
Kevin: No. My other half.
Me: What did she call you?
Kevin: It's not so much she called me anything. It's kind of...weird.
Me: Do tell.
Kevin: She said...'someone else fuck me'.
Me: ....
Kevin: When she was falling asleep. After we'd - you know.
Me: 'Someone else fuck me'?
Kevin: Yes.
Me: What on earth does that mean?
Kevin: I don't know! I mean, what am I supposed to say? "Sure why not. I'll pop outside and ask the neighbours if they've got a spare moment to drop by".
Me: Was she banjaxed?
Kevin: Yeah, very drunk and bit druggy and half asleep and post coital.
Me: I wouldn't read too much into it, that odd half-sleep time can produce some pretty bizarre out-loud statements.
Kevin: But still...
Me: Yeah.
Kevin: 'Someone else come fuck me'???
Me: That is sort of strange.
Kevin: It's more than strange. It's insane. I pissed myself laughing then went 'oh wait.. hang on.'
***************************
Can anyone else top this? I'm guilty of trying to entice boys streets away to my bedroom at night, but that's neither here nor there when it comes to bewildering a boyfriend.
'Someone else come fuck me'. Honestly. Apparently she didn't remember it in the morning either - just laughed sheepishly and shrugged it off.
Perhaps Kev needs to work on his technique.
305 days til the next election.
* This really, truly is a metaphor**.
** Unless you're a minor, in which case it isn't. Remember kids, sex gives you cancer.
I once, (just out of a long relationship and purely out of habit) said "I love you" instead of "That was nice" to a one night stand. It was about a minute before I fell asleep, but that was possibly the most socially awkward minute of my life. She was gone when I woke up.
ReplyDeleteI have a rule that nothing I say 5 minutes before or after sleep is permissible as evidence.
jesus, that is kind of awkward. BUT DID YOU LOVE HER, THAT IS THE QUESTION.
ReplyDeleteIt can strike at any moment, you know.
My friend's boyfriend said my name when they were having sex once.
ReplyDeletehis excuse:
"But Honey! I was on drugs! ON DRUGS I TELL YOU!"
sigh.
one of those difficult scenarios where you feel you must apologise, when you did nothing wrong (except be foxy! *I jest*!)
Can people please just stop calling out partners names during sex. please.
ReplyDeleteIt is creepy and doesn't turn me on one bit + it's distracting- whenever I hear my name called I think someone wants me to come and put out the washing or do some chore I've forgotten.
This post has actually pre-empted my Friday question-
How do you get your partner to stop calling out your name during sex?
'Stop it you're creeping me out' might not be the best option.
But any way I word it, that is the way it will be taken.
help
You'll have to post it in the requisite place, timboy.
ReplyDeletep.s. I agree, 'Stop it, you're creeping me out' may not go down all too well.
No worries boss
ReplyDeletePS- did you see the Fireballs? How were they?
That should probably go go to Friday questions also?
Right, got it.
There's always one, isn't there?
ReplyDeleteShe too much of a biter, which I could never love. But then again, she was kinda slutty, which I do love.
ReplyDeleteLove is hard.
you said a mouthful, my friend.
ReplyDeletefits, someone once told me that the French have a legal precedent that disallows words spoken in orgasm from being legally admissable as evidence, due obviously, to the compromised judgement/cognition one is capable of during ecstasy - commandeer a Frenchman and pump him* to confirm or deny... point being, my fiancee used to call me by the freakin' dog's name from time to time, and i really don't think she wanted to bone little argos.
ReplyDeleteshe was broad-minded, sure. but even she understood there are boundaries.
*for information.
Well, I'm not much of a post-coital chatter from memory (god knows, it's been a while) and I usually hate hearing my own name called out (who are you remined, honey, yourself or me?) and I've rather quickly got out (and then got out of the house) the one time anyone said "hit me"... However, and I'm taking this on good faith, I apparently once insisted some poor lass "fuck me like I wasn't there".
ReplyDeleteHmmmm.
tex - I extend that to 1/2 hour either way - safer that way.
ReplyDeleteWhilst not during sex I was once on the phone to a project manager whilst also writing an email to my other half. The project manager said 'bye' and I, writing the signature of my email, said "love you" back to him. He was most taken aback and when I spluttered that I'd meant to TYPE that rather than SAY it he sounded most unconvinced.
Oh God I'm bad.
ReplyDeleteI've said the wrong name a few times, although I don't scream it out while performing, just afterwards in an idle drowse.
The worse thing I can recall is staring at a face during sex and desperately thinking, "what was your name again".
And then of course there are the times you meet a girl a few weeks later and you know you have had sex with them but can't for the life of you remember their name. Although, strangely enough, the unpeeling of underwear and bouncing of breasts do spring readily to mind.
I was a very bad boy for a few years there.
Not now. I can still remember my wife's name.
She's a lucky lady, Nio. A very lucky lady.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you actually hang out with someone called Kevin - I thought you were cool, at leat half hip ... Kevin!
ReplyDeleteTrust me, I got the best end of that deal. And yes, when I met her she was a tall dancer with long black hair down to her waist, pale skin and electric blue eyes. It took me hours to breathe again after I first saw her.
ReplyDeleteAll that has changed since is that we have a son, she has red hair which is a smidgen shorter and its been 10 years of delight. As for the change to red hair, you know about me and red hair.
oh Nio, you old softy.
ReplyDelete*melts*
p.s. re: Kevin. If it's good enough for Winnie Cooper, it's good enough for me.
I have said a number of Very Bad Things during sex which I refuse, point blank, to take any responsibility for in the cold sober light of day.
ReplyDeleteKevin's lady should not be held accountable! Maybe she was simply thinking something along the lines of "that was so amazing only a total stranger could have the strength to attempt that all over again..." or something....
Never said the wrong name though. I don't think.
Fair call. My shout.
ReplyDeleteI want cancer :(
ReplyDeleteerm...I'll see what I can do, mhe.
ReplyDeleteyou should update your copyright to 2007, sweetie.
ReplyDeletethank you very much.
ReplyDeleteIs that you, dad?
nice blog, you have talent to expressqumh your feeling
ReplyDeleteMs Fits, my wife has got used to me calling her *fitsy* when we make naughtiness - I thust into her and envisage your taut young pussy ... intelligent chicks really turn me on.
ReplyDeleteP.S: the bookstore was no coincidence - grrrrrr.
I once gasped "ohmygod" when the gentleman pulled down his briefs and revealed his Brobdingnagian manhood AND I even clapped a hand over my mouth to stop my jaw falling to the ground.
ReplyDeleteI've also shushed someone from talking.
The next recipient of my lady-love will receive a post coital "THANK YOU OH GOD THANK YOU".
I once called my (then) girlfriend by the name of the girl I had been cheating on her with. Really. Poor. Form.
ReplyDeleteUnrelatedly have you seen this yet? http://www.spinstartshere.com/?q=node/1792
And when I say thust I mean thust!
ReplyDeleteActually, whatever happened to a good old "cheers love, that really hit the spot"? I think it's the problem with modern dating – seeing someone to the door and seeing them off with a kiss on the cheek and a "thanks for the orgasms" – well, it's a dash impersonal.
ReplyDeleteFitsy, I'm a voracious sleep talker (as well as regular jaunts sleepwalking as well, including out of an apartment in the middle of Bulgaria once), and have at times quite frequently mumbled insane nothings as I've dozed off.
ReplyDeleteThankfully I tend yo mumble incoherently most of the time, so never managed to incrimate myself during my wild younger days (purely through luck, I'm sure!)
So you knowingly sleep with guys who are already in a relationship ?
ReplyDeleteDon't you feel ashamed ? You are breaking some girls heart.
"Perhaps Kev needs to work on his technique."
ReplyDeleteThere is no "perhaps" about it Ms Fits. But then again you ended your sentence with a fullstop rather than a question mark.
"I was just in the zoo."
ReplyDeleteDid you know that a pigs orgasm lasts 20 minutes. Ohmygod! ohmygod! ohmygod! ohmy........ (19 minutes later in a whisper) god"
ReplyDeleteI have been fretting about this all night - what is wrong with saying someone's name? In fact although I am too lazy often to practise it myself I am a fan whenever the boy will take the time.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the idea that saying someone's name might suddenly be forbidden got me all verklempt. Is a sort of generic "oh yeah, oh baby, oh yeah, do it" really preferable?
Hmm. Well, I wonder if she actually had a past littered with multiple partner sexual encounters, or "Gang Bangs" as those in the know call them. Certainly sounds like at some point in her sexual history, just calling out would get another round of what she wanted.
ReplyDeleteActually, I have had no problem in saying the wrong thing during sex. Apparently, I don't say anything at all, prompting a recent accusation of being "shy" in the bedroom. I'm not, I just don't necessarily feel the need to explain anything if it's all putting along nicely.
Though I recently had a medi-coital exclamation from l'objet d'affection along the lines of "Oh, now you're just showing off". Which by repeating, I guess I am doing again.
My bestie said her ex once called her "mummy" - killed the mood somewhat.
ReplyDeleteMrC always calls me "baby" in the normal course of conversation (only uses my proper name if there's something really wrong or we're being formal). As a result, he ends up calling close female friends (including his sister) "baby" as well. I find that a bit disconcerting.
I kind of agree with timboy about calling out names, except that of Our Father.
I was once called 'lady' during some rather raunchy shenanigans. It put me off totally. I'd prefer to have been called tramp, I think.
ReplyDeleteAnd a big shout out to kartar. That story is hilarious.
i don't like talk at all; it's a mood killer.
ReplyDeleteI could never remember a girls name until about 3 months into the relationship (if it lasted that long). Most of my life then was a blur of drink and drugs, so understandably my memory and attention span wasn't the best. I think I just used "babe - or something similar" a lot. Mind you, there was a mind numbingly, beautiful girl I had an affair with for about 6 or so months whose name I've been trying to remember for the past year or so. We didn't talk much, just fucked. It was awesome :)
ReplyDelete