Ill-informed rantings and half-baked theories from someone who should know better.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
The beginning of the end.
Signs of the impending Apocalypse:
1. Kylie too ill to perform
Not our little tousle-headed trouper! Not our catsuited poplette! Walk off stage mid throaty rendition of 'Shocked'? Surely the Showgirl must go on! I FORESEE A DARKNESS, PEOPLE.
2. General Electrics
'Boy, it's getting kind of warm out. How about everyone turns off their home air-conditioning or cops a $10,000 fine please, LOLZ. Love, the Govs.'
Yesterday when the badness happened I was forced to read Patrick White by sultry afternoon murk seeping through the kitchen window. Whilst hugging a bag of frozen peas. Jesus fucking christ. It was like being in a Spike Lee movie, but with less crack and jazz and stuff.
If it happens again today I am just going to give up and lie on my bed playing saxophone and sweating.
3. Power couples disintegrating
Timberlake and Diaz! Barrymore and Moretti! Who saw that coming? So happy and surfy and buying papers in the street! WHAT HOPE IS THERE FOR THE REST OF US MERE MORTALS??
4. Everyone you know is on a fucking bender
I don't know if it's just my friends, but the amount of 5am staggery texts I have received in the last couple of weeks is truly astounding. Last time I saw my ex he hadn't been to bed in two days. Another mate called me at 8:30 Monday morning in tears because he was still awake from the night before and just realised he had left his guitar in the back of a taxi. My theory is that they are all beings of superior intelligence who have somehow been forewarned that the world is ending and are setting their brains free, like when farm animals take leave before an awesomely destructive storm.
Either that or I move in some particularly hedonistic circles. I'm going with the 'release thy mind' theory for now.
5. Sickness
More RYWHM readers would choose an 8-way with Dr Hook over some quietly inoffensive lovemaking with an Emo. What the hell is wrong with you people? ONE OF THEM HAS AN EYE-PATCH.
Mark my words, we're done for. You read it here first.
297 days til the next election.
omg - I'm first with the commening? Just want to say Fits that its' the 'hedonistic circles' - you knew that! come on.
ReplyDeleteI WOULD RATHER DIE THAN ADMIT MY BELOVED FRIENDS ARE WASTERS, ANON.
ReplyDeletep.s. Probably.
Let's not forget a clearly-visible comet in the sky over Melbourne. If that's not a sign of the apocalypse, I don't know what is.
ReplyDeleteALL MY FRIENDS ARE ON A ONE-WAY TRAIN TO TRASHVILLE TOO!
ReplyDeletealso, i am seeing the barrymore/moretti split as a positive sign of puppies and rainbows to come.
MORETTI IS SINGLE! PRAISE THE LORD!
I just don't know what to think anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm collecting can-openers, just in case.
Hey Ms.Fits, if weather is unbearable again, you can come visit me in nfitzroy. I have air-con & new born babe, so AC restrictions would not apply (according to me).
ReplyDeleteAnother sign of impending doom - childhood friend Matty Newton up on ASSAULT CHARGES. This from the boy who used to always love a good game of Prancing Around in Our Underwear (TM pending)- the end must be nigh.
By the sounds of things our Matthew still enjoys the odd game of Prancing Around In Our Underwear, mara. The cheeky wife-beating scamp.
ReplyDeletep.s. I put the peas back in the freezer. Is that wrong? I promise we won't eat them, we'll just put them on Gabi's twisted ankles.
I think a grass fire in Birramung Marr (unspellable as well as unpronouncable) could also be a sign.
ReplyDeleteThen again maybe not- but it was good fun to watch from the office yesterday.
i didn't know you played sax.
ReplyDelete*orders command performance of sax breaks from thunder road and born to run, stat!*
*swoons, first pledging eternal fealty*
did the peas fully defrost, Fits?
ReplyDeleteApparently it's some sort of mortal sin to re-freeze anything once it's melted. Since learning this I have always been terrified of using frozen peas for anything, afraid that a momentary cold comfort may lead to eternal brimstone later.
Everyone else seems to be out having fun, but you're wasting your life sinning at home.
I'm a bit rusty, Ruby. And my friend Adrian broke my alto by hitting Sime over the head with it some years ago.
ReplyDeleteStill, I plan to join Dynamo one day. DO YOU HEAR ME, BROTHERS GIONFRIDDO.
one of your friends didn't know you played sex? Oh, sorry, I see - sax. :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree, the end is nigh and all that.
ReplyDeleteWhich Patrick White are you reading? I'm reading Voss right now and it is mesmerising; no-one told me the old codger was a genius. (Well yes, lots of people did and I shouldn't have ignored them I guess. But still.)
Patrick White! Oh dear. No wonder you felt a little frazzled.
ReplyDeleteI'm loving the thought of you sweating it out on the Sax, Mo Better Blues style.
ReplyDeleteThat's funny, I was just thinking the same thing myself after reading Steph's overheard MySpace conversation.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather sit in a bushfire than have to read Voss again. Christina Stead's way better.
I'm reading The Solid Mandala, for 'school'.
ReplyDeleteBit ponderous so far, to be perfectly honest.
The papers aren't carrying any news on fines for home air-con use, so was it more a bit of empty fist shaking from the fun stoppers of is it for reals?
ReplyDeleteI do remember finding The Aunt's Story a very long haul back in high school, but I think this time I'm not in such a hurry perhaps. Although I will be if these apocalyptic omens keep at it..
ReplyDeleteNearly as dry as, say, 50 ryvitas?
ReplyDeleteFunnily enough, Joseph, I remember liking The Aunt's Story. But I enjoyed David Marr's bio of White more than I do his books.
All this heat and sax talk is turning your sould into that of a negress, I feel.
ReplyDeleteOops.
ReplyDeletesould = soul
I'm gonna have to go with Riders in the Chariot by a nose over Voss and A Fringe of Leaves. But I've only read them three and one other (The Eye of the Storm, I think).
ReplyDeleteI thunk he's pretty great.
i want to say something funny and clever about the soul of ms fits being sould/sold. but i can't come up with anything.
ReplyDeleteso just imagine it as if i did, okay?
thanks.
The first sign of the apocalypse was when Kylie/ Mushroon inc. decided there was a buck to be made in singing.
ReplyDeleteBeing struck down with cancer was ironclad proof of the existence of an interventionist God.
Further, the possibility that Kylie can no longer perform may foretell the second coming of David Koresh and a new world order based on the teachings of the Branch Davidian cult.
I think we have nothing to worry about
When the Southern Oscillation starts swinging back around in March or April, and dumps enough water on South eastern Australia to wash several tiny fishing port towns into Bass Strait, you'll forget any of this ever happened.
ReplyDeletescreen goes wobbly
TLS fades away
> "ONE OF THEM HAS AN EYE PATCH"
ReplyDeleteDammit, fits, when you're in an 8-way you WANT to be spoiled for choice re:orifices.
Nothing wrong with a little experimentation, is there?
The Solid Mandala (aside from being my favourite Patrick White novel ever) is really good to read alongside Peter Carey's "Theft" (which also has brothers and... but I don't want to spoil it for you)
ReplyDeleteps. Hi Richard *beams*
Who on earth is Richard? Do you mean Richard Watts, or is there some kind of weird private dialogue going on here that I need to be made aware of?
ReplyDeletewho the fuck reads when it's that hot? just drink like all us sane people. oh.... and play with frozen peas. we do that too!
ReplyDeleteAt least Christmas is one sleep away.
ReplyDeleteReading when it's hot is Hot. Also, nothing matters because the Eagles of Death Metal are coming. Fuck the world. Death by Sexy. Yez.
ReplyDeleteBender?! Where was my 5am bender. Stupid fucking deadlines!
ReplyDeleteYes, ms fits, that's the man about town I was beaming at.
ReplyDeleteI should go and say hello at HIS blog I suppose and perhaps I will.
Fits - Polly are old housemates of mine from my Mullumbimby days.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, benders r us - remind me to tell you about the cute Kiwi I met shortly after you guys left at the end of our recent debauched morning, the next time I see you.
Lastly, the world ain't ending until 2012, as far as I'm aware, so plenty of time to clutch frozen peas before then. Notheless, it's an excellent bloody excuse for a bender! Chin-chin!
"another think coming"?
ReplyDeleteReally?
Thats for true?
I have never ever heard that.
confusement.
i dig the blog :-)
ReplyDeletelots of love from sydney,
luxuryduck