Any club that would have me as a member.

'First of all let us explain our name - The Melbourne Wankers'


If this isn't the best opening gambit for a website since 'Facebook is a social utility that connects people with friends and others who work, study and live around them' then I'll eat my hat.



There are so many things to enjoy about the Melbourne Wankers as a community, though I'll try to keep it brief and showcase my favourite moments from their colourfully inventive homepage as I know you are a busy person with better things to do:


1. 'A wanker means a bit of an oddball, someone who believes in, and enjoys what he is doing even though he is not mainstream'



Famous wankers throughout history -



Oscar Wilde

Michael Jackson

Jesus.



2. 'We are a totally safe sex activity based on the world-wide jack-off group policy of No Lips Below the Hips.'

a) Yes. There seems to be such a thing as a 'world-wide jack-off group'.


b) THEY HAVE A COMPANY POLICY.


c) Who takes the minutes at the AGM? Does it not get cumbersome with all the cock flogging?



3. 'The group began in January 1990 organised by the late Ian Goller. Ian had enjoyed the many parties held by the San Francisco Jacks and so it was inevitable that he would try to get similar events established in Melbourne.'


Well, quite. I know I'm often inspired by other people's knees-up shindigs to race home and rustle a little soiree up myself. Kudos to you, Ian.



4. 'He wanted an environment where men could engage in safe, mastubatory sex in a group situation where all men were welcome, irrespective of age or physical stature....where men could communicate with one another through talking, and laughing, and through friendship.'


And - let's be frank here - frantically tugging at their penii.



Which is a charmed way to get to know someone better, if past experience is anything to go by. I met Gabi through a shared passion for bean flicking, you know.



5. '...we would advertise, set up the room for the evening (we cover the carpeted floor with ex-army tarpaulin covered with masses of old sheets) and clean up afterwards.'


This falls into the category of 'too much information' for me, though perhaps I'm just being squeamish. An ex-army tarpaulin? Gracious. Private Benjamin would be horrified.



6. 'No Arse play. No Force. Don't Be Shy.'


Of course, Nike went with 'Just Do It' in the long run, but the creative brainstorm process was still worth exploring.



7. 'We also use oil as our lubricant (grape seed oil), and our parties are based on its liberal use. Squeeze packs that are usually sauce containers at barbeques are what we use to conveniently dispense the oil.'


I am an oily man with an erection perching on a pile of sheets surrounded by masses of fellow oily bohunks standing groinally to attention. Is the last thing I want to be thinking about not throwing a few snags on the mixed grill and slathering them with Big Red?


8. 'Ah! The joys of group activities of dozens of oiled-up guys doing what comes naturally.'



Help me out here, brothers of RYWHM. Is falling into a writhing heap and cranking the shank really 'what comes naturally' when men gather together to exchange witticisms and ideas? What happened to booting the pigskin around and touching each other on the bottom?



You're a mystifyingly sweet lot, you really are.






104 days til the next election.